


Fraser and Callum and Ray

by china_shop



Category: Canadian Actor RPF, Fandom RPF, due South
Genre: Crack, Fic, Llamas, M/M, Mary Sue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-12
Updated: 2006-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-13 00:26:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/130784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/china_shop/pseuds/china_shop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I perch myself on the corner of the couch, and wonder a tad anxiously whether this is angry!violent!irritable!Ray or amused-with-the-world!slightly-confused!good-humored!Ray. Or, uh, slutty!Ray.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fraser and Callum and Ray

You and I have been practising our entry for the Talent Quest (a skit based on the "I rarely forget a face" scene in BDtH) for several hours, and decide to take a break. I take off the sunhat I'm using as a Stetson, and follow you outside to see what's going on. It's sunny, with a brisk wind, and Hugh and Mark are playing shufflepuck with a pair of teenage girls. They seem pretty happy.

Around the corner, we look down to see Callum putting golf balls into the ocean while Fraser watches. You start to say something, and I say, "Shhh" and we both listen hard. Yep, over the shufflepuck shouts and the whistling wind, we can just hear Fraser's commentary on the history of golf, and how it was really invented by a Canadian missionary.

Callum chips his last ball towards the sea (it smashes the window in a "Cruiseliner Personnel Only" door, but he doesn't notice) and then leans over and kisses Fraser, quickly on the lips, causing Fraser's hat to fall off.

I suppress a squeal. You don't. We both duck into an open doorway before they can see us.

It's a passageway we haven't explored before, and just a few feet in, there's a door marked "TV room". We exchange glances, and go in. Callum's sitting on the couch, and the llama's in the corner, placidly chewing some hay.

Wait a minute. We look at each other, back out the door, and hold a conference sotto voce.

"That can't be Callum," you whisper. "He's outside kissing Fraser."

I nod, frowning in concentration. "In that case, God, it must be--"

"Ray!" you say.

"Yeah." I take a moment to process this. "Wow," I conclude, finally. "This is going to blow Callum's mind."

You get a light in your eye. "It's not his _mind_ I want to--"

I kick you. "C'mon. Let's make sure it's really him. It could be one of those horrible villains he keeps playing. God, it could be the vampire from Blade 3."

"I hope it's Ray," you sigh.

"Oh yeah," I agree. "Me too. Though-- Callum and Fraser have only just--"

You kick me back. "Come on."

We go back into the TV room. Albuquerque raises her head and looks at you brainlessly for a moment, then trots over and nuzzles your pocket, presumably for cheesecake.

"Hey, move the camelid!" probably-Ray says. "It's the third quarter and the Hawks are winning."

"It's Ray," I tell you, with conviction.

You nod, and maneuver the llama into the hallway. "Get out of here," you hiss at her. She resists, but eventually gives up and trots outside.

I perch myself on the corner of the couch, and wonder a tad anxiously whether this is angry!violent!irritable!Ray or amused-with-the-world!slightly-confused!good-humored!Ray. Or, uh, slutty!Ray. From the way he's slouched on the couch, eyes fixed on the screen, it's not immediately obvious. "So, the, uh, the Hawks are, uh, winning, huh?" I say, nervously.

"Hmm?" he responds.

You stand in the doorway, looking at him, and your eyes glaze over. I'd kick you, but you're just a little too far away. I glance at Ray, trying to figure out why you're immobile, and then realize he's wearing a black singlet and frayed worn jeans, and that you've professed an interest in him in this outfit before. I try to figure out how we can get Ray and Fraser together, to take optimum advantage of his clothing.

In the end, there's not much we can do until the hockey game's finished. Thankfully the Hawks win and Ray seems happy. He mutes the TV when the post-game coverage starts, and looks around the room, then at us. "Hey, where'd the llama go?" he asks.

"She's outside getting some fresh air," you tell him. You're still leaning on the doorjamb where you have a good view of him. I, meanwhile, have been inching imperceptibly closer to him on the couch, and can now actually feel a faint glow of body heat, which is making me a little dizzy and incapable of speech.

"Huh," he says, wistfully. "She sorta reminded me of a wolf I used to know."

I'm overcome with woobieness and slump back against the couch cushions next to him.

"Oh," you say. "Sorry. I thought she was bothering you. We can go find her. I'm mergatrude, by the way."

"Ray Kowalski," he says, standing to shake your hand, giving me rather a good view of his bum. I ogle it for a moment, and then have a brief existential crisis about my inability to treat these people as _people_ , instead of shamelessly objectifying their bodyparts and boykissing.

"That's China Shop," you say, waving dismissively at me, clearly trying to hog his attention. "Don't mind her. She's got, er, sunstroke."

I'm torn between annoyance and gratitude at this description, and eventually give in (because I love you) and smile at both of you in a dopey kind of way. Sunstroke is probably a good cover for starstruck. And at least you didn't say I was mute.

But Ray doesn't even move to shake my hand -- just looks at me funny -- so I wonder whether my couch-inching was less imperceptible than I thought. Oops.

There's a sudden loud commotion outside. Albuquerque sounds distressed.

The three of us rush onto the deck and stop in varying attitudes of astonishment and dismay:

Albuquerque's dangling from the railing by a rope around her middle, and Hugh and Fraser are glaring at each other. Hugh's fists are clenched at his sides.

"You know, Callum," says Fraser to someone around the corner (presumably Callum, duh). "While it's true that you remind me very strongly of my ex-partner, and while I admit to harboring certain--inclinations, I have to say I have strong reservations about the company you keep."

"Fraser!" says Ray. Fraser and Hugh both turn toward him, shocked.

"Ray?" says Fraser.

"Callum?" asks Hugh, wide-eyed, then looking back around the corner.

"What the _fuck_?" Callum's voice says from around the corner.

 

[ **mergatrude:** OMG! What did that BASTARD do to my llama!!

 **china_shop:** I have no idea! *looks worried* I just needed a commotion!]

 

Ray leaps forward and shoves Hugh away from Fraser. "Get away from him, asshole." He raises his fists, ready to fight, and cracks his neck. "You wanna fight someone? 'Cause I'm good to go."

"Ray." Fraser tries to push between the two of them. "Ray, I think you've misunderstood the sit--"

Hugh steps up to the plate, grinning meanly. "Hey, don't defend me, Mountie. He wants a fight, he's--"

Ray punches him in the jaw.

 

\--

Help? What happens next? I think that the situation is that some random villainous passersby strung up the llama, and then Hugh was helping her down and Fraser found them and jumped to conclusions, and then maybe Callum ill-advisedly suggested a threesome, and they both got pissed off. But that's a bit convoluted.

HELP?!

 

 **mergatrude:** So, what happens next is that I scream at them for being stupid males with too much testosterone , and to get over here and help my llama, RIGHT NOW!

Does that help? Does that shame them into sufficient calm so they can sort things out. Although, I think Hugh still wants to punch Fraser out, which makes Ray want to punch Hugh out...

Which may result in Callum wandering off and running into Smithbauer, with whom he was making out in the closet/Bob's cabin.

And you discover the villainous passersby were trying to STEAL my llama, which makes Fraser and Ray go into cop&mountie mode! Yay!

 **china_shop:** Perfect. Yay! You rock! Thank god!


End file.
